(quoted
from the rear cover of the book)
Air Force Zoomies
and Navy Squids. Army Doggies
and Marine Corps Jarheads.
Listen up!
Want to stay alive
in combat? If so, read and heed Murphy's Laws,
rules, axioms, and advice for warriors.
If you hate warrior wannabes
and whiny-babies, this is the
book for you. Separate chapters for Infantry and
Aviation Laws of Combat. Special laws for those
who ride in helicopters.
Off duty, study Murphy's time-tested Beer-Drinking
guide. Avoid the principles of Stupidity.
Learn rules of Sex & Seduction,
the analysis of "Politically Correct
Disease" and much more. Politically
Impossible!
Plus, a serious
look at the Military Heritage
of the U.S. Armed Forces: patriot dreams, fighting
words, combat quotations, and military superlatives for
the professional American Warrior.
-- Murphy's
Laws for Civilians --
The Origin of Murphy's Law
Murphy's Basic Laws for All Mankind
-- Murphy's
Laws of Combat --
Murphy's Laws of Combat for Infantry
Murphy's Laws of Combat for Aviation
Murphy's Special Laws for Helicopters
Murphy's Military Superlatives
Murphy's Guide for Warriors Who Drink Beer
Murphy's Oaths of Enlistment for the Armed Forces
Murphy's Introduction to Redneck Warriors
Murphy's Laws of Lust, Sex, & Seduction for Warriors
Murphy's Analysis of "Politically Correct" Disease
Murphy's Guide to Politics and Government
Murphy's Laws of Business and Finance for Warriors
Murphy's Journey: Young Warrior to Old Veteran
Murphy's Writing Rules for the Modern Warrior
Murphy's Review: The Chinese Zodiac for Warriors
Murphy's Review for Warriors: History of Stupidity
Murphy's Warning for Warriors: Adages for Fools
Murphy's Rules for Dating a Warrior's Daughter
Murphy's Computer Laws for Warriors
Murphy's Military Definitions for Infantry
Murphy's Military Definitions for Aviation
--
Heritage of the American Warrior --
Anthems of the Armed Forces, and the National Anthem
Patriot Dreams
Combat Axioms for American Warriors
The Blood Chit and Air America
Two Days of Honor, and a Place to Remember
Code of Conduct and General Orders
Somber Reflections on Combat
The Warriors' Rules for Life
Index
Warning! Politically Impossible! This
book is tailored for elite American Warriors. Gender?
Who knows? Who Cares? Readers will find no
"politically correct" psycho-babble and no
"he or she" childishness. The male pronoun
suffices for all warriors. Any cowardly feminist
hand-wringing weakling who is offended by this macho warrior
culture ethos should find something else to read.
Excerpt No. 1
From the chapter,
"Murphy's Laws of Combat for Infantry"
. . . they are of primary interest to the elite population
control specialists, the supremely skilled corps of
government assassins, the Magnificent Grunts.
Warriors, handed down through the ages, here are your laws
of combat. These are your time-tested axioms and
principles for winning in battle. If staying
alive is important to you, ignore them at your
own peril:
Speak softly, but forget the big
stick. Carry a belt-fed weapon.
In combat, always kill as many bad guys as you can.
The ones you miss today may not miss you tomorrow.
On the keyboard of combat, always keep one finger on the
escape key.
Once you are in the fight, it is too late to ponder whether
or not it was a good idea.
A warrior who thinks small bad
guys can not be lethal in combat has never been in bed with
a small rattlesnake.
On patrol and ambush, (1) never stand when you can sit, (2)
never sit when you can lie down, (3) never stay awake when
you can sleep, and (4) get in a good bowel movement whenever
you can.
Ammo is cheap. Your life is not. In combat you never
hump too much ammo.
Remember that the "hey-diddle-diddle" tactic works
only in the movies. Be sneaky, always cheat, always
win.
Excerpt No. 2
From the chapter, "Murphy's Laws of Combat for
Aviation"
. . . aviation has gotten ever higher and higher, ever more
complex and more dangerous. Today, flying machines of
incredible lethality can swoop down into combat.
Unfortunately, warriors have to ride or fly
in these flimsy contraptions. For pilots and
aircrewmen, the trick is to stay alive long enough to get
the experience to enable them to stay alive a little longer.
You Grunts just along for the ride, think
about it. Maybe humping the hills on foot is not so
bad after all:
Gravity never loses. The best you can hope for is a
draw.
Flying is not dangerous. Crashing
is what is dangerous.
Combat
flying is not like a video game. When flying in
combat, you can not push a button and start over.
Aerial combat is the perfect vocation for men who want to
feel like boys, but not for men who still are.
Plan ahead. Keep checking. If you find yourself
on the ground or sitting in your rubber raft -- looking up
in the sky where your aircraft used to be -- it is too late
to check your fuel gauge.
Before takeoff, always pause and ponder: "How much does
all that 'grunt stuff' in the cabin really
weigh?"
In an aircraft in flight, if something
is (1) red, (2) yellow, or (3) dusty, never
touch it without a lot of forethought.
When flying, pilots should try to stay
in the middle of the air. The edges of the air can be
recognized by the appearance of trees, buildings, telephone
poles, the ground, sea, and mountains. It is very
difficult to fly beyond the edges of the air.
Excerpt No.
3
From the chapter, "Murphy's
Guide for Warriors Who Drink Beer"
. . . with these weak brain cells eliminated, the human
brain can function more rapidly. The more beer we
drink, the more weak brain cells we kill.
Consequently, the more beer we consume, the more we enhance
the overall health and efficiency of our brain.
Yet, a wise warrior
should drink responsibly. He knows that excessive
consumption of beer may lead to otherwise inexplicable rug
burns on his forehead. Too much beer can convince him
that he can converse with others without spitting on them.
Too much beer at night may cause a crusty old warrior to
roll over in the morning and see something really scary,
whose name and/or species he can not recall.
Therefore, Murphy offers his "Symptom, Cause, and
Solution Guide" for warriors who drink beer to enhance
the efficiency of their brains:
Symptom: Your singing
voice sounds weak and distorted.
Cause:
Beer is too weak, or consumption rate is too low.
Solution:
Order two or more beers at a time.
Symptom: Nose hurts,
hands hurt, but your mind is clear.
Cause:
You have been in a fight.
Solution:
Apologize to your friends, in case it was with them.
Symptom:
Walls, floor, ceiling, and friends' faces revolve.
Cause:
Beer consumption has exceeded your metabolic limit.
Solution: Cover mouth for
twenty minutes or until rotation ceases, whichever occurs
first.
Excerpt No. 4
From the chapter, "Murphy's Laws
of Lust, Sex, & Seduction for Warriors"
. . . in love and war, "nice" warriors really
finish last. Consequently, when it comes to sex and
seduction, lust and love, Murphy has excellent advice.
All red-blooded warriors, both men and women, will profit
from Murphy's time-tested knowledge of the erotic arts.
In the amorous game of life, he knows the rules.
Murphy cautions all crazed wild-eyed feminist zealots that
his rules are not for you. Murphy's rules are for the real
warriors, both men and women. These eternal truths are
divided into six sub-chapters . . . .
Women speak in four tenses: (1) past tense, (2) present
tense, (3) future tense, and (4) pretense.
The main trouble with women is that they lack the power of
conversation, but not the power of speech.
Life
with a woman is not a journey, but a predicament.
In order of preference, men like (1) dogs, (2) beer, and (3)
wide-screen TVs. An exceptional woman
may sneak into the top ten.
Men prefer loyal dogs because, unlike women, dogs do not
whine unless something is really
wrong.
If a warrior feels nauseous and tingly all over, he is
either (1) in love, or he (2) has smallpox. Both have
dire consequences.
Bachelors know more about women than married men.
Otherwise, bachelors would be married men, too.
Before his liver fails, a warrior can never
drink enough of his mother-in-law's booze to get even.
Excerpt No. 5
From the chapter, "Patriot Dreams"
(the serious
section)
. . . the American Patriot of
today is often the loyal legionnaire who dons his clothes
with prosthetic hand, without complaint. The patriot
may be the stooped old man bagging groceries at the
supermarket. Now palsied and slow, he never mentions
the firestorm on Iwo Jima back in 1945, for he knows no one
who could comprehend such indescribable horror.
American Patriots also are the hundreds of thousands of
forgotten warriors who went forth into battle for their
country -- and who never returned.
Today's patriot is
usually the common man, the average citizen, the next door
neighbor, the man who selflessly gave to his country and
asked for nothing in return. The American Patriot of
today may be a minimum wage laborer -- the same man who
stormed into battle in Afghanistan in 2001 to restore
freedom for people he would never know. Duty called.
He answered. Historically, after diplomacy and reason
have failed, our country always relies on its modern-day
American Patriots, its military warriors.
Remember: when enemies
and terrorists threaten, it is always the warrior,
not the politician, who ensures the survival of our society.
It is always the warrior, not the
news media, who guarantees our freedom of the press.
When the flak flies it is the warrior,
not the lawyer, who preserves our civil liberties . . . .
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