-- OVERVIEW --

(quoted from the rear cover of the book)

 

Air Force Zoomies and Navy Squids.  Army Doggies and Marine Corps Jarheads.  Listen up!

 

Want to stay alive in combat?  If so, read and heed Murphy's Laws, rules, axioms, and advice for warriors.

 

If you hate warrior wannabes and whiny-babies, this is the book for you.  Separate chapters for Infantry and Aviation Laws of Combat.  Special laws for those who ride in helicopters.

 

Off duty, study Murphy's time-tested Beer-Drinking guide.  Avoid the principles of Stupidity.  Learn rules of Sex & Seduction, the analysis of "Politically Correct Disease" and much more.  Politically Impossible!

 

Plus, a serious look at the Military Heritage of the U.S. Armed Forces: patriot dreams, fighting words, combat quotations, and military superlatives for the professional American Warrior.

-- TABLE OF CONTENTS --

 

-- Murphy's Laws for Civilians --

 

The Origin of Murphy's Law

Murphy's Basic Laws for All Mankind

 

-- Murphy's Laws of Combat --

 

Murphy's Laws of Combat for Infantry

Murphy's Laws of Combat for Aviation

Murphy's Special Laws for Helicopters

Murphy's Military Superlatives

Murphy's Guide for Warriors Who Drink Beer

Murphy's Oaths of Enlistment for the Armed Forces

Murphy's Introduction to Redneck Warriors

Murphy's Laws of Lust, Sex, & Seduction for Warriors

Murphy's Analysis of "Politically Correct" Disease

Murphy's Guide to Politics and Government

Murphy's Laws of Business and Finance for Warriors

Murphy's Journey: Young Warrior to Old Veteran

Murphy's Writing Rules for the Modern Warrior

Murphy's Review: The Chinese Zodiac for Warriors

Murphy's Review for Warriors: History of Stupidity

Murphy's Warning for Warriors:  Adages for Fools

Murphy's Rules for Dating a Warrior's Daughter

Murphy's Computer Laws for Warriors

Murphy's Military Definitions for Infantry

Murphy's Military Definitions for Aviation

 

 -- Heritage of the American Warrior --

 

Anthems of the Armed Forces, and the National Anthem

Patriot Dreams

Combat Axioms for American Warriors

The Blood Chit and Air America

Two Days of Honor, and a Place to Remember

Code of Conduct and General Orders

Somber Reflections on Combat

The Warriors' Rules for Life

 Index

 

Warning!  Politically Impossible!  This book is tailored for elite American Warriors.  Gender?  Who knows?  Who Cares?  Readers will find no "politically correct" psycho-babble and no "he or she" childishness.  The male pronoun suffices for all warriors.  Any cowardly feminist hand-wringing weakling who is offended by this macho warrior culture ethos should find something else to read.

 

 -- EXCERPTS --

 

Excerpt No. 1

From the chapter, "Murphy's Laws of Combat for Infantry"

 

. . . they are of primary interest to the elite population control specialists, the supremely skilled corps of government assassins, the Magnificent Grunts.  Warriors, handed down through the ages, here are your laws of combat.  These are your time-tested axioms and principles for winning in battle.  If staying alive is important to you, ignore them at your own peril:

 

Speak softly, but forget the big stick.  Carry a belt-fed weapon.

 

In combat, always kill as many bad guys as you can.  The ones you miss today may not miss you tomorrow.

 

On the keyboard of combat, always keep one finger on the escape key.

 

Once you are in the fight, it is too late to ponder whether or not it was a good idea.

 

A warrior who thinks small bad guys can not be lethal in combat has never been in bed with a small rattlesnake.

 

On patrol and ambush, (1) never stand when you can sit, (2) never sit when you can lie down, (3) never stay awake when you can sleep, and (4) get in a good bowel movement whenever you can.

 

Ammo is cheap.  Your life is not.  In combat you never hump too much ammo.

 

Remember that the "hey-diddle-diddle" tactic works only in the movies.  Be sneaky, always cheat, always win.

 

Excerpt No. 2

From the chapter, "Murphy's Laws of Combat for Aviation"

 

. . . aviation has gotten ever higher and higher, ever more complex and more dangerous.  Today, flying machines of incredible lethality can swoop down into combat.  Unfortunately, warriors have to ride or fly in these flimsy contraptions.  For pilots and aircrewmen, the trick is to stay alive long enough to get the experience to enable them to stay alive a little longer.  You Grunts just along for the ride, think about it.  Maybe humping the hills on foot is not so bad after all:

 

Gravity never loses.  The best you can hope for is a draw.

 

Flying is not dangerous.  Crashing is what is dangerous.

 

Combat flying is not like a video game.  When flying in combat, you can not push a button and start over.

 

Aerial combat is the perfect vocation for men who want to feel like boys, but not for men who still are.

 

Plan ahead.  Keep checking.  If you find yourself on the ground or sitting in your rubber raft -- looking up in the sky where your aircraft used to be -- it is too late to check your fuel gauge.

 

Before takeoff, always pause and ponder: "How much does all that 'grunt stuff' in the cabin really weigh?"

 

In an aircraft in flight, if something is (1) red, (2) yellow, or (3) dusty, never touch it without a lot of forethought.

 

When flying, pilots should try to stay in the middle of the air.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of trees, buildings, telephone poles, the ground, sea, and mountains.  It is very difficult to fly beyond the edges of the air.

 

Excerpt No. 3

From the chapter, "Murphy's Guide for Warriors Who Drink Beer"

 

. . . with these weak brain cells eliminated, the human brain can function more rapidly.  The more beer we drink, the more weak brain cells we kill.  Consequently, the more beer we consume, the more we enhance the overall health and efficiency of our brain.

   Yet, a wise warrior should drink responsibly.  He knows that excessive consumption of beer may lead to otherwise inexplicable rug burns on his forehead.  Too much beer can convince him that he can converse with others without spitting on them.  Too much beer at night may cause a crusty old warrior to roll over in the morning and see something really scary, whose name and/or species he can not recall.  Therefore, Murphy offers his "Symptom, Cause, and Solution Guide" for warriors who drink beer to enhance the efficiency of their brains:

 

Symptom:  Your singing voice sounds weak and distorted.

Cause:       Beer is too weak, or consumption rate is too low.

Solution:     Order two or more beers at a time.

 

Symptom:  Nose hurts, hands hurt, but your mind is clear.

Cause:       You have been in a fight.

Solution:     Apologize to your friends, in case it was with them.

 

Symptom:  Walls, floor, ceiling, and friends' faces revolve.

Cause:       Beer consumption has exceeded your metabolic limit.

Solution:     Cover mouth for twenty minutes or until rotation ceases, whichever occurs first.

 

Excerpt No. 4

From the chapter, "Murphy's Laws of Lust, Sex, & Seduction for Warriors"

 

. . . in love and war, "nice" warriors really finish last.  Consequently, when it comes to sex and seduction, lust and love, Murphy has excellent advice.  All red-blooded warriors, both men and women, will profit from Murphy's time-tested knowledge of the erotic arts.  In the amorous game of life, he knows the rules.  Murphy cautions all crazed wild-eyed feminist zealots that his rules are not for you.  Murphy's rules are for the real warriors, both men and women.  These eternal truths are divided into six sub-chapters . . . .

 

Women speak in four tenses: (1) past tense, (2) present tense, (3) future tense, and (4) pretense.

 

The main trouble with women is that they lack the power of conversation, but not the power of speech.

 

Life with a woman is not a journey, but a predicament.

 

In order of preference, men like (1) dogs, (2) beer, and (3) wide-screen TVs.  An exceptional woman may sneak into the top ten.

 

Men prefer loyal dogs because, unlike women, dogs do not whine unless something is really wrong.

 

If a warrior feels nauseous and tingly all over, he is either (1) in love, or he (2) has smallpox.  Both have dire consequences.

 

Bachelors know more about women than married men.  Otherwise, bachelors would be married men, too.

 

Before his liver fails, a warrior can never drink enough of his mother-in-law's booze to get even.

 

Excerpt No. 5

From the chapter, "Patriot Dreams"

(the serious section)

 

 . . . the American Patriot of today is often the loyal legionnaire who dons his clothes with prosthetic hand, without complaint.  The patriot may be the stooped old man bagging groceries at the supermarket.  Now palsied and slow, he never mentions the firestorm on Iwo Jima back in 1945, for he knows no one who could comprehend such indescribable horror.  American Patriots also are the hundreds of thousands of forgotten warriors who went forth into battle for their country -- and who never returned.

   Today's patriot is usually the common man, the average citizen, the next door neighbor, the man who selflessly gave to his country and asked for nothing in return.  The American Patriot of today may be a minimum wage laborer -- the same man who stormed into battle in Afghanistan in 2001 to restore freedom for people he would never know.  Duty called.  He answered.  Historically, after diplomacy and reason have failed, our country always relies on its modern-day American Patriots, its military warriors.

   Remember: when enemies and terrorists threaten, it is always the warrior, not the politician, who ensures the survival of our society.  It is always the warrior, not the news media, who guarantees our freedom of the press.  When the flak flies it is the warrior, not the lawyer, who preserves our civil liberties . . . .